It's now 9/5, 12:36 am.
Just drafting a quick post before i go and (hopefully) read some IBM essays before heading to bed. The past 3 papers haven't been too good at all, and the thing that's been getting to me most is how for the past 2-3 weeks i've been giving practically my all and yet i still step out of the hall thinking of whether what i did was enough to pass, would it be good enough. I know i've got nothing to prove, 've no one to prove to. It's just, i've been working so, so hard and yet it just seems like i ain't good enough.
But with every dark cloud comes a silver lining, for one it always feels good to think you did a question wrongly but realise that maybe you got some parts right, it really feels damn good. Ups my hopes quite a fair bit just when i feel that it's all been dashed. Other silver linings come in the form of friends, j and family. I can't be more thankful how i'm not alone this exams period, for once i have people giving me a hug before i enter the exam hall telling me things will be fine and giving me that one final push before i face the paper; i have people who'd be there for me when stress overwhelms me and i break down. I can't be more thankful how i'm not alone. And there's J, who's just, an angel, my angel. A blessing. Exams/school have reduced our time spent together so significantly, yet i never felt a slight bit further away from him. As cliche/corny as this might sound, he's like my star, i might not be able to see him, or be close to him but i know he's always there. Same heart, same spirit, always reminding me that i'm the fighter i am. And last but not least there's family. The most heartwarming. How it started from the pressure to do well, to coming home to home cooked dishes, favourite soup. Parents' love can never be compared to. The moments when i just step into the house and they ask me how i am, how's the paper. How when i tell them i need a miracle, they'd say it's ok just give your best, and work hard for the next paper. How they'd just do what they can in any way, buying me cooling dessert to make sure i don't fall sick, dad reminding us to eat birds nest, mum cooking soup, preparing breakfast, and their messages to me everyday not demanding anything but just to check how i am. It's heartwarming. And these reminds me how blessed I am.
I really don't want to fail my papers, i mean, who does? I've worked so hard for it (yes i have myself to blame for not starting early enough) but for the time that i did, i worked so hard. I don't wanna let myself, my friends or my parents down. I don't wanna disappoint anyone again. It always feels good to know and believe it when people say 'you're gonna make it' or 'you're gonna do fine'. And for this once, i'm really hoping so. For the least, i can touch my heart and say i've really given my best for this, and i've no regrets. Lifting it all up to G, letting His will be done. I have nothing to worry.
Not sure if any of the above made sense but, i'm tired. Haha.
So goodnight, and for those having exams/tough week, fight on, you're not alone, never are. :)
x Tgx
